Tag: humor

I’m Done with Perfection-Induced Hatred

Hello there, mom with a baby on your hip, hair cut stylishly to your chin with bangs sweeping gently across your perfectly threaded eyebrows. You patiently smile at your toddler, crawling around your platform booties, reaching up toward your new Kate Spade bag. The wide windows of your recently built home backlight your silhouette, curved in every spot it should be and nowhere that it shouldn’t.

Today, I make you this promise. I will not hate you for being perfect. I will not tear you down for waking up early to go out for a run or to make a green smoothie. I will not judge you for paying attention to fashion trends or question you for being able to live on less sleep than a giraffe. I will not envy you for being able to work full-time or stay home more than full-time with the grace of Dutchess Kate. And I will not resent you for being better at social media photography than I will ever be.

I’m done with perfection-induced hatred. It’s hurtful for you and me personally, and for women in general. Henceforth, I shall respect the game you bring to Insta, learn from the organic treats you provide at Girl Scouts, and engage with you like the human being you are. I will not measure myself against you anymore. This world needs us both.

1

Izzy and the Grumpy Cloud

I wake in the morning, and what do I see?
A cloud full of grump hanging right over me!

“Be gone, Grumpy Cloud!” I say to the fluff.
Even steam from my shower just isn’t enough.

As Dad drives to school, it follows the car.
We have to act quickly, we’re not going far.

“Go faster!” I urge him. He won’t even speed.
At this sluggish rate, will I ever be freed?

I need him to hurry, but what can I do?
Come on! I can’t stand it. “DAD, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”

I shout with no warning; a total surprise,
Then Dad turns around, and tears fall from my eyes.

“Just take a deep breath,” Dad says, “stay cool.”
I tell him I’m sorry, then run to the school.

I slouch in my seat throughout math class and reading.
Ignore it. Ignore it. I keep on repeating.

I make it to snack time, but crackers and juice
Are hard to enjoy with this cloud on the loose.

Then outside at recess, I’m running around,
I trip on the cloud, and I crash to the ground.

I wail out in pain with my cheeks glowing red,
But that cloud keeps on growing right over my head.

This cloud must be stopped, but it keeps getting darker.
I head to the art room, and take out a marker.

I map out my plan with the perfect precision.
This war can be won by the smallest decision.

My next stop is gym where I gather my tools.
Will it count as a win if I’m breaking the rules?

I knot up my jump rope without being seen,
and I lasso that cloud like a rodeo queen.

I’ll tie it up tight to the side of the bleachers.
It’s just a balloon, I’ll tell all the teachers.

It grows even bigger as I heave and I ho,
and then the rope breaks, and I scream out, “NO!”

I’m sent to the office and ordered to wait.
The principal’s calling my parents? Oh great.

Dad picks me up, and I’m covered in cloud.
Although he is mad, he says nothing out loud.

Now back in my house, I’m defeated at best.
Will I ever get rid of this terrible pest?

And here comes my sister, worst pest in the world.
A bundle of drama that looks like a girl.

“Go away, Gwennie!” I shoo her like flies.
But watching her face, I soon realize

She sees my cloud too, and she’s not impressed.
She sticks out her tongue, and she thumps on her chest.

She charges ahead like a knight off to battle,
But in place of a sword is a pink baby rattle.

Backward and forward, her footwork’s quite grand;
she’s slapping the cloud with the back of her hand.

Oh my, what a scene! As I step back and see,
I start to feel giggles. He he he he…

HAHA HA HA HA, Mom and Dad join in.
I can’t hardly breathe as I say, “Gwendolyn!”

She stops when I point and she looks at her foe.
I know how to make this old grumpy cloud go!

“I’ve got it!” I say, and then drop to my knees.
I tickle her tummy and give her a squeeze.

The giggles we’re making are rising like bubbles.
The cloud’s disappearing, and so are my troubles.

We’re laughing so hard that my eyes start to tear
Then I look to the sky, and I notice it’s clear!

So now the cloud’s gone, and the sun’s shining bright,
I realize it never had a chance in this fight

I just need to focus on all that is good
‘Cause laughter does more than a cloud ever could.

3

Get a Massage – 3 Things You Should Know

I am an expert at receiving massages. My qualifications include receiving many massages, talking about receiving massages, and now, writing about receiving massages. Recently, I was directed my a medical professional to get a massage every other week. It was by and large the most welcomed medical advice I have ever received.

Assuming you are not one of those people who doesn’t like to get massages (Note: the only reason I know these unicorns exist is because I’m related to one  – not by blood though, and I think that matters), receiving a professional massage is something you MUST do. If you have never had a professional massage, there are three things you should know.

  1. You will be almost completely naked with a stranger.

Don’t worry! You get undressed by yourself (most people keep their undies on) and you are under the warm sheets before the massage therapist comes back into the room. The sheet will cover your entire body except for the part that is currently being massaged. Most massage therapists are really great about maintaining your modesty and even look the other way when you roll over onto your stomach, which they typically direct you to do halfway through. And don’t worry about being cold, the table warmer is delightful.

  1. There will be good ones and bad ones.

Take recommendations from people you trust to find a good one. You will have your fair share of bad massages. They typically involve chasing some sort of groupon deal and ending up at an abandoned strip mall in a room where the music cuts in and out, the sheets are scratchy, and flannel blankets are nailed over the windows as curtains. You will be fairly certain you entered a serial killer’s den and instead of relaxing, you will spend the entire massage gauging exactly how loud you would have to scream for anyone to hear you. It’s not just the atmosphere though. The massage therapist is a heavy nose breather. It will be like his nostrils are too small, but he doesn’t want to breath through his mouth, so the velocity and overall force of the nose-breathing is out of control. *Shudder* This is the last time you buy a groupon massage.

You will likely also run into the Feather Duster, the Punisher, the Yogi, and the Jabberbox. You can tell the Feather Duster you like deep pressure, but she’ll never touch your knots. You might as well have your six year old niece give you a massage. It’s cheaper. The Punisher does the opposite. She will take out all of her aggression on you, tempting your reflex to punch her in the gut, but if you breathe through it, you will feel so good afterwards.

The Yogi spends more time stretching your limbs than massaging them, which can be nice, but maybe not what you paid for, and the Jabberbox is, well, chatty. The good thing about the Jabberbox is that you can usually shut that down pretty easily by just not responding or politely saying, “this feels so good, I just can’t even talk.” (Only 1 out of 10 times will that backfire and cause him to quit doing such a good job in favor of a conversation.)

A lot of massages will be Chicken Salad. Good, but not memorable. The memorable ones will probably be the Free Spirit and the Hobbyist. The Free Spirit believes massage is her calling, and she’ll treat you like the spiritual being you are. Aromatherapy concoctions chosen specifically for your aura, a complementary psychic reading, and she might even walk on your back as she practices the ancient art of ashiatsu massage. Oh, and she’ll think you are weird for leaving your underwear on.

Now, the Hobbyist. Don’t fault the Hobbyists. Being a massage therapist is usually an entrepreneurial situation, and the Hobbyists need to maintain a separate full-time job to pay the bills. The good news is the Hobbyist is usually very talented and passionate about massage. The problem is that she doesn’t have the time to work on the business aspect. So you arrive, maybe at her home massage studio, and she is not there. Your body is now shaking with disappointment, which makes you feel like an indulgent princess, sending you through the McDonald’s drive through for a conciliatory ice cream. Halfway through your McFlurry, she calls, saying she got hung up at her job and could you come back over. You do, of course, and she cuts your massage short since it’s now time to get supper on the table.

  1. It is worth it.

Someday, you will find the Perfect Professional massage therapist. He will talk just enough at the beginning to make you feel comfortable, then shut up. She will make you breathe through deep pressure when it benefits you, but ensure you walk out feeling relaxed instead of beat up. He will use the right amount of oil, leaving you feeling moisturized but not slimy. She will ensure the music is relaxing, continuous, and not interrupted by Pandora commercials. He will focus on your problem areas, but always make time for your feet. She will send you out the door with a bottle of water. Most importantly, you will feel amazing.

 

3

The Perfect Job Doesn’t Exist. Is Your Current One Close Enough?

We’re always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Doctor? Lawyer? Anchor on the evening news? There were a lot of different paths suggested to me when I was little. (Except from my grandpa. I mean, he believed in me, of course, but he was fairly certain that women were still only allowed to be nurses or teachers.) Anyway, the message is – your chosen profession is a central part of your identity, so pick a good one. But you know what makes that so dangerous? If you lose your job, you lose your value. And that, my friends, is a modern falsehood that must be debunked. YOU are NOT your JOB.

Your job doesn’t have to be your reason for living. Your job is a way to support the life you want to lead. There’s a strange sense of freedom when you stop pondering the existential meaning of your work and focus on enjoying what truly makes your life meaningful. If your job doesn’t define you, you make room for your passions, your service work, and your family to be the defining parts of your life. And those things don’t disappear with a lay off, cross-country move, or retirement.

Everyone always thinks there is another job just around that corner that will fulfill their every dream and ambition. But let’s face it, every job is going to have elements you don’t enjoy. It might be a certain task you despise, maybe you have no benefits, or maybe the person in the next cubicle always smells like pickles. Whatever it is, it’s proof the perfect job doesn’t exist. And rather than drive yourself crazy combing through careerbuilder.com for a job description that reads “get paid to do whatever you want,” there comes a point when it’s wise to settle. Settling doesn’t mean you give up and accept a crappy job. Not at all. It simply means you allow yourself to be content. (Note: My advice would be much different in regards to marriage. Don’t ever settle in that case.)

Here are some signs that you are “close enough” to that perfect job:
1. Your duties challenge you consistently, and otherwise give you something to do everyday.
2. Your employer pays you fairly, encourages you to continue learning, and supports your growth as a person.
3. You have a community of work people you enjoy seeing every day.
4. You have a few people you want to follow and some you want to lead.
5. You have the opportunity to try new things and, more importantly, the opportunity to make mistakes.
6. You get pats on the back for a job well done and, occasionally, donuts.
7. The schedule fits your current lifestyle well. You have the flexibility to spend time with your family and friends, take vacations, and otherwise experience life.
8. Your employer cares about you. This might be shown through an extensive benefits package, recognition from your boss, or a well-timed gift from the company, but you feel confident the powers that be know you exist and care about your well-being.
9. You are proud of where you work and its reputation in the community.
10. You are able to do your job and stay true to yourself. No job is worth compromising your morals, ethics, or values. If your job encourages you to maintain your core beliefs, you’re on the right track.

I’m going to try to stop asking people What do you do? But instead, Who are you? (Not literally. That would be a very strange question to ask people.) For instance, What do you do in your free time? Where are you from? What are your hobbies?

Work is one of many ways to connect with people, but our common ground is often not found in our jobs. It’s found in our love of chocolate, Game of Thrones, or Pinterest. Connections are made when we talk about our kids, our vacation mishaps, and our mutual acquaintances. What does your job really tell me about you? In my opinion, not as much as we think it should.

4

Adventures in Potty Training

I’d read all the books and had tricks up my sleeve
I knew she would do it if we’d all just believe.

The neighbor boy was trained starting at 1.
His mom told me, straight-faced, “Don’t worry, it’s fun!

And you have a girl? Oh yeah, what a snap!”
But I’ll tell you one thing – She was so full of crap.

We started with “boot camp,” then stickers and charts
Bribing with candy – each one a false start.

Pull-ups, bare bottom, or fancy underwear,
She went where she wanted, she just didn’t care.

“What’s wrong with you?” I’d scream. “You’re almost 3!”
“Seriously, Mom, who cares where I pee?”

(Ok, this isn’t word for word
But basically, that’s what I heard.)

Then one day, I’m inspecting a wrinkle
When from behind me, I hear it – a tinkle!

“Baby! You did it! This is more than sublime.”
“Yeah, like I said, Mom, all in due time.”

4

Should I go to law school?: 10 things to consider before taking the LSAT

I’m a lawyer. I earned a law degree from an accredited institution, and I passed the bar exam in my home state. My license to practice law is hanging in a frame on the wall of my office where I work as in-house counsel for a financial institution. That license is a symbol of one of my life’s greatest achievements and a source of significant pride for me. But if I’m totally honest, if Warren Buffett walked into my office and said, “give me that frame and I will pay off your student loans,” I would leap over my desk like a rabid snow monkey to rip that thing off the wall and hand it to him.

I can’t say I regret going to law school. It has given me an ability to understand and analyze the inter-workings of our society in a way that typically only trained attorneys can or bother to do. It was three years of my life in which I grew up, fell in love with the law (as well as my future husband), and worked harder academically than I ever had to before. And yet, with the benefit of hindsight, I am fairly certain I would make a different choice if I had it to do all over again.

If you are considering going to law school, here’s my advice to you.

Do NOT go to law school if:

1. You want to help people for a living.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way insinuating that lawyers don’t help people. They do. Every. Single. Day. But if what moves you is using your own two hands to make a difference in people’s lives, I would warn against a law career. For me, the ‘helping people’ part ended up feeling too tenuous and, by design, driving change within the law is slow and difficult.
2. You have to take out student loans.
This is the one that really makes me want to go back in time and slap my younger self in the face. Student loans are not free money! They have to be paid back, and the payment amounts often offset any increase in salary a law degree might get you. Get scholarships, convince your rich relative to pay, save up before you go. Just think long and hard and put pencil to paper before you put on the golden handcuffs of student loans.
3. You are trying to prove you are smart.
Yep, it’s magical. Once you get into law school (and even more so after you pass the bar exam), people automatically think you’re a different degree of smart. Some refer to it as “the presumption of brilliance.” Okay, I just made that up, but I promise it is a real thing. This is not a reason to go to law school! There are so many (much cheaper) ways for the world to know you’re smart.
4. You don’t know what else to do.
Ah, the old credo, “you can do anything with a law degree.” I fell for that one. I had a B.A in English and didn’t want to teach. People said “lawyers do a lot of writing” and “a law degree is never a bad thing to have.” They weren’t wrong, but the kind of writing lawyers do is a style all its own, and while a law degree isn’t bad, see #2 above.
5. You thrive on creativity.
Of course, there are ways to use creativity in a legal career. However, if you’re like me and feel called to create, studying law may stifle that calling, at least temporarily. Personally, I think I shut down the right part of my brain during law school and a few years beyond. A big part of that was just not having the time or energy to tap into “the muse.” It wasn’t until I took deliberate steps to get it back that I realized how much I missed it.

One the flip side, DO go to law school if:

6. Someone else is paying for it.
If this is the case, just do it and disregard everything I just said. Seriously.
7. You have shadowed or interned for various types of attorneys.
If you have seen the day to day life of an attorney up close and personal and you can see yourself being fulfilled by that work, then you are making an informed, eyes wide open decision. I support that.
8. You are taking over the family practice.
My husband and I are both the first attorneys in our families, so I have no idea what this would be like. I can imagine, though, if law is a family tradition, and you have the opportunity to walk into a successful business with a plethora of family support, it might be a no-brainer.
9. You want to run for political office.
Being a lawyer is not a prerequisite for running, but I think it would be extremely helpful if your goal is to hold political office.
10. It’s your dream.
I am fully supportive of people following their dreams. I feel incredibly lucky that my dream, being a writer, is completely within my control. All I have to do is write. Check! If your dream is to be a lawyer, or if you have always just wanted to go to law school, chasing your dream gets way more complicated. If it truly is your dream, then do it! Just don’t do it blind. Understand that your dream may not align with reality.

As for me, I will continue to be as proud of my law license as I am frustrated by my student loan payments.

3

Should I Have More Kids?

I can’t tell you how many hours, days, and even years I have spent brain wrestling myself over this one. But finally, I found my answer. Not with the flip of a switch, but gradually, like waiting in the half-darkness of a neighborhood bonfire, moving my lawn chair around as I squinted through the smoke, finally seeing the white hot embers of a fire in ideal marshmallow-roasting condition.

That’s how I found my answer. Spoiler alert: I didn’t find yours. If you are looking for someone to answer this question for you, let me send you a coupon for a magic 8-ball. While I don’t have answers for you, I can relate, and I will give you advice. I know what these brain-wrestling matches look like, and maybe the questions that helped me the most can help you too.

First, I want to acknowledge the privilege of being able to ponder this question. The ability to conceive a child when you want to is a gift that so many people have not been given. I write this post knowing it is a moot question for too many. Truth be told, it was one reason I felt like I should have more kids. For all those moms-in-waiting who can’t have their babies or lose their babies or continue to wait for their babies, why would I not want to have more kids? What greater gift is there than growing life inside your own body? Take advantage of that privilege, dummy! On the other hand, I am one of few women I know who has not had to face the loss of a pregnancy. And why, when I have two healthy children, why would I want to risk that? Be satisfied with what you have, dummy!

As someone who has made this impossible decision, here’s my advice to you.

1. Listen to Your Heart

I remember one mom of three telling me that after she had two, “I looked in the rear view mirror, and I just knew there was an empty seat. Our family wasn’t complete.” How magical is that? I thought for sure I would have that feeling too.
After my first, I said to everyone who would listen, it’s going to be a LONG time before I do that again. But 3 years later when I laid eyes on my second daughter, I felt it so clearly, we are definitely going to do this again. (Apparently, planned C-sections don’t illicit the same snarky exhaustion as a 30 hour labor). But here we are, over four years later, and we haven’t done it again. And we won’t. The heart may be your guide, but it’s fickle.

2. Listen to Your Head

Think about the risks. Do you or your partner have any health issues? How have your other pregnancies been? How old are you?
Let’s be real. Since I’m talking to women who already have a child or two here, please consider that you are needed. If your last pregnancy almost physically killed you or mentally wore you down to the brink of a breakdown, consider that. Your pre-existing kid(s) need you.

3. Listen to Your Wallet

I know, this is so lame. But kids are expensive! Now, if you are one of those families who thrives on minimalism, makes your own clothes, and considers coupon-cutting an exciting Sunday afternoon, kudos to you! I sincerely admire that. But for the rest of you shameful consumers like me, things add up. Sometimes it is not even the things you choose, but it’s things like medical bills or high-priced organic hemp baby formula. The point is, the expenses can be unpredictable, so make sure you are prepared to take it on. Financial stress is toxic and truly is no laughing matter.

4. Listen to Your Family

If your partner in life is adamant about having or not having more kids, you need to listen. What are they truly seeking? Why do they feel so strongly?
And of course, listen to your existing kids. It might not be in their words (if they even have words yet), but you likely have an inkling as to how full your hands are. What will be the effect of another sibling on your existing ones?
Don’t forget about the grandparents if you are lucky enough to have them. Especially if they are heavily involved with the children and/or you depend on them for childcare on a regular basis, the effect on them should probably be considered. The status of your support system (i.e. the proverbial “village” that it takes) is a key factor in raising healthy children.

5. Keep Listening

Sometimes it is hard to hear your own voice over the din of other people’s opinions. Keep trying. Ask yourself, am I making my decision for the wrong reasons? As a lawyer, I fully understand we could argue all day about what the definition of a “wrong” reason is, but as a woman and a mother, might I suggest that the only wrong reason is one that’s not your own.
If you’re not having more kids because you are terrified every time the child you have gets a cold and you know deep down that your heart can’t handle more sleepless nights, then who is to say that’s the wrong reason?
If you want to have four kids because you can’t stand the thought of an odd number, who is to say that’s the wrong reason?
If you’ve always longed for an idyllic holiday season when a big group of adult children comes home to reunite, who can say that’s the wrong reason?

I think all we can do is acknowledge that this decision will be different for each family. In the end, there are just as many pros as cons, but the weight of those pros and cons depends upon who you are, what you believe, and what your circumstances are.
For me, I got comfortable with occasionally doubting my decision not to have another kid. Some days, I can tangibly feel that doubt coursing through me, my arms aching for the weight of a sleeping baby. But eventually, it shakes off of me somehow…
I guess the high-pitched screaming about who hit who first and whose turn it is with the remote kind of helps.

1

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑